i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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