I don't usually arrange sex via text message
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
