she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
