I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
