Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
