OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
