i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
