Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
my liver is dry heaving
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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