hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You've changed since you got that strap on
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
