I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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