Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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