did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
