In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
