Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
