you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I looked at my own cervix.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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