good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I looked at my own cervix.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
