if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
