i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
