I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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