so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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