sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
