I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
