Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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