Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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