dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
