How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Success! We fucked roommates!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
