I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
