dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
