You smell like stripper and shame
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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