I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
