Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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