I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
