I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
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I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
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Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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