Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
