So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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