Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
