Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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