You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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