I wish I could teleport
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
