if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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