His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
