hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
