He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
