During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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