I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
