the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
