yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It's never too late to be topless.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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