i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
