Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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