If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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