i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So much Jack, so little girl.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
