We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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