I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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