Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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