when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
