my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
