oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
