I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
